My Wish Came True

Shortly after my last blog post about "longing to be jobless," my wish came true. I was fired.

Why was I fired? It's complicated. Long story short, I hated my job, and it showed. The details don't matter, but the lesson I've taken from it is that I'll try to find jobs that inspire me more in future, and not focus so much on how good a job looks on a CV without considering what I'm going to be putting myself through before accepting the offer.

The post-mortem

Most people don't like getting fired. I didn't like it a lot either, but a feeling I did not expect took over me in that moment; I was relieved. So relieved. Yes, the financial situation would be somewhat difficult from now on, especially since getting fired throws a wrench in my plans to save for Something Big™, but I found myself elated at the prospect of not having to do a job I dislike each morning.

I'm writing this post because... I had a dream. I had a dream last night. I know, it sounds silly, but keep reading. I had a dream that I was somehow rehired, that it was all like some long annual leave I took out. I went back to work, immediately solved a bunch of problems in one day, joked around with my old coworkers, and said "See? They should have never fired me in the first place. All I needed was a break."

I woke up from this dream still not sure if it was real or not - you know the state of mind - which also wasn't helped by the fact that my other dream last night was jarring as hell, and the words kept replaying in my head: "All I needed was a break." Was that true? Would I have been good at my job if they gave me, like, 2 months off and let me come back? Does it even matter? I don't think it does, so take that dream-me! Stop basing your value on capitalist perceptions of productivity! Rahhhh!!!

As previously stated,

{Ya\ just\ can't\ do\ that\ with\ a\ job}

But also, even if you could, that's just not how Any of This works. My doodoo caca brain1 doesn't like daily routines. Day in, day out, same thing. It doesn't like chipping away at tasks until they're done. I don't feel accomplished. I like taking on huge responsibility for maybe 3 days at a time and then burning myself out for a month. That unironically makes me much happier than working a stable job. I don't think there are jobs like this out there, so just like a(n) [insert metaphor here], I need to work differently next time.

It's kind of messed up, you know? Learning all your life that you're destined for Work but then you do Work and it's miserable, just because of its structure. I don't know what to do with this information, to be honest. Like, maybe there will be a job that's more to my liking at some point, but I highly doubt it. It is I that has to change, and of course I'm becoming okay with this idea, but it's still a pretty hard pill to swallow. Here's an image of a swallow for the thumbnail.

Image courtesy of these people.

The aftermath

So! I'm jobless now. Let's see if anything has changed meaningfully since I was released from the shackles of stable employment.

The main point in my previous blog post was about the idea of done-ness. I'm happy to say I do feel much more comfortable in the natural chaos of life without a job, and much more accomplished. As soon as I got fired, not one day later, I took an extra summer course at my university, just to be done faster. I ended up really enjoying it, but more so than enjoying the class, I enjoyed having the option of taking it. My schedule was no longer bound by 9-5 rules. I could take a mid-day class that has mandatory attendance every single weekday for a whole month. It did suck, going from one schedule to another, but this schedule was temporary, which gave me much satisfaction in my choice. I knew it would be a challenge, but I knew exactly how long that challenge would last for. That's the big difference in my brain between taking on a class and taking on a job.

I also talked a bit about being a YouTuber and having writer's block due to a lack of energy. Did that get fixed? Hell no. But we ball, we move, and I know I'll create again. Just because a broken arm is out of the cast doesn't mean it can move like it used to just yet.

And you know what? I wrote another blog post.

I wrote another.

I wrote.

And it wasn't miserable.

ADHD